Can't Hug A Hedgehog
by NowWeOwnTheNight
Summary: [Dialogue only because scriptwriting makes describing things really annoying]


Hedgehog

"… I would never dare to hope that you'd feel the same-"

"Did you just… You called me a hedgehog."

"That's all you took away from that!? That was the only thing you picked up on?!"

"Out of the very long speech that ultimately offered me a hug... yes. All I heard was 'You're like a hedgehog.'"

"It's not easy to hug a hedgehog, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try."

"You want to hug me?"

"No."

"No?"

"Maybe."

"Yes."

"Nope!"

"Yes?"

"It is ambiguous."

"No."

"Yes, I want to hug you, John."

"Ah, there we go! Knew you would crack."

"Can I give you a hug?"

"No."

"What's the magic word?"

"That doesn't apply to me, I'm not-"

"Maaagic woooord?"

"Please do no hug me, Sherlock Holmes! Happy?"

"I still want to hug you."

"Please don't."

"Yes."

"I don't want a hug, Sherlock"

"Give me a hug, John."

"No."

"I know you want toooo."

"No I don't"

"You really doooo!"

"No, I really don't!"

"Huuuug meeee!"

"No!"

"Hug me or else…"

"…Or else what?"

"…Or I'll have to wake up my legs and trek all the way over there and administer your hug for you!"

"Don't you dare-"

"I'm getting up…"

"Sherlock, seriously, sit back down."

"I'm hugging you whether you consent to it or not, John, and it would be much easier if you met me halfway."

"I'm quite content reading my paper, so shut up and go back to your mind palace."

"The gates are shut."

"Then OPEN them."

"They're locked... Gosh, you think I haven't already tried?"

"Then UNLOCK them!"

"I. CAN'T."

"They're inside your head! How can you not unlock them?"

"There are more pressing matters. Something more important that I have to see too until I'm allowed back in."

"You are such a child! I do not want a hug from you!"

"I'm moving towards you…"

"I don't want a hug from a six-foot man-child!"

"I'm walking over the coffee table…"

"Oh my g- Sherlock I swear to god if you break something expensive… or heaven _forbid,_ my good tea mug, I will shoot you in the foot and-"

"-OOPS!"

"WHAT WAS THAT?!"

"My violin."

"I fucking warned-"

"I'm climbing over the couch…"

"Sherlock…"

"I'm rolling across the table-OOF!"

"I'm going to call Mycroft."

"I'm standing back up…"

"I will call Lestrade and tell him you're back!"

"No you won't."

"How do you know I-"

"I'm a few steps away…"

"Sherloc-"

"I'm reaching out to hug you…"

"Please just-"

"I'm about to embrace you…"

"For god's SAKE, SHUT UP-!"

"Knew you wanted to hug me."

"Alright, alright, don't get smug."

"Knew it."

"Assumed it?"

"Guessed it."

"Guessed it!?"

"Deduced it."

"Of course you did."

"I always do."

"You rarely don't."

"Precisely."

"I really was going to call Mycroft."

"I know."

"But I wasn't going to call Lestrade."

"I know."

"How did you know?"

"Guessed."

"Sherlock…"

"John… Jawn…"

"Sherlock."

"Yes, Jaaaawn?"

"How did you know- stop that! - how did you know I wasn't-"

"You were lying."

"How did you know?"

"I guessed-"

"-Stop messing with my hair-"

"- I deduced-"

"-From what?"

"…"

"Sherlock?"

"…"

"Take your face out of my shoulder and talk to me."

"…"

"Was it the way I said it?"

"…No."

"Was it something I did as I was speaking?"

"…No…"

"Was it something I did after I spoke?"

"…No."

"Was it something BEFORE I spoke?"

"…No."

"Did it have to do with when I was speaking?"

"No."

"Does it have to do with something in the past?"

"No."

"Was it something in the past few minutes?"

"Yes and no."

"How long have I been doing it?"

"No."

"What kind of an answer is that?"

"No."

"I know you said no, but it didn't answer my question."

"No."

"I figured. I bet this doesn't even have to do with me at all."

"…Yes."

"… Is it something I did?"

"No."

"Is it something someone else did?"

"…Yes."

"Is it something Lestrade did?"

"No."

"Is it something… you did?"

"…"

"Sherlock?"

"Mfshschsmmmffm."

"Didn't catch that, sorry?"

"Mffmfschmmfffmmm!"

"My shoulder can't translate muffled Sherlock, Sherlock."

"MSCHSHHMMFMFFMMMM!"

"Sit up and talk to my face like an ordinary human being!"

"No."

"What this time?"

"No, you can't translate muffled Sherlock, obviously, and no I am not an ordinary human being and NO I most definitely will not sit up and talk to your face."

"You are talking to me right- Sherlock? Sher… Sherlock! Where are you going?"

"Out."

"What? Just like that?"

"What's wrong with my dressing gown?"

"I could not care less what you wear in public eye, I just- Why?"

"To get milk. You used the last of it in your tea. And a new laptop charger because I can hear the other one and it is making too much noise. Also, a better carpet because that fall from the table hurt my back… your stupid Persian rug is too thin if I'm going to be falling off high places again. In addition, I need a new violin as I broke my old one in my endeavors to hug you, which proved to cheer you up for a short time but obviously it is not the house you find negating your mood, rather it is me; and therefore I am removing myself from your presence- may I go, now?"

"Sherlock…"

"Goodbye, John."


End file.
